What is Semen? (Everything you never wanted to know)

Many men believe that their population paste (semen) is a tasty non-dairy treat that was meant to be savoured and enjoyed. And according to most mainstream pornography, every woman not only agrees, they fall to their knees in avid anticipation for a taste of Cupid’s toothpaste….. fact or fiction…. I’ll let you be the judge.

But what is semen?

Well as I’m sure most of you know, semen, or seminal fluid, is a thick, off-white liquid ejaculated from the male urethra at sexual climax. But what you may not know, is that sperm only account for approximately 1% of the total volume of the semen. A single ejaculation usually ranges between 2-5 millilitres (1 tsp), and contains between 100-700 million sperm.

Why such a vast difference in the number of sperm? Well ones sperm count can be affected by many things, such as wearing tight fitting pants/underwear, spending too much time in hot tubs, continuous heating of the testes due to strenuous exercise, and consuming many environmental pollutants (such as agricultural pesticides). Side note: According to research the average sperm counts in several Western countries dropped by nearly one-half between 1940-1990. A drop in ejaculate volume was also detected. Environmental toxins have been suspected to have contributed to this wide spreading effect on sperm in the US, Canada, and other countries over the last several decades.

So if sperm only account for 1% of the semen, where does the other 99% of the seminal fluid come from? Well about 70% comes from the seminal vesicles, approximately 30% from the prostate gland, and less than 1% comes from the testis. And within this mixture, there is a large degree of fructose (sugar), calcium binders (citric acid), enzymes, vitamins and antioxidants.

Yes we all know antioxidants and vitamins are good for us, but so is a shot of wheatgrass and fish oil and I don’t see many men falling to their knees for a taste of those two. So what is the take home lesson of the day? Gentlemen’s relish does have some good properties, but seems to be decreasing by the decade. So what can we do? Buy organic, keep the family jewels in a spacious, cool environment, and help put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college by refreshing the bodily supply often.

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Semen Cookies!?

Last week a bunch of the ladies got together for Cocktails Hour. We had some drinks, appetizers and cocktails while telling…. you guessed it….. cock tales. What we didn’t have however, were semen cookies to snack on while we drank. Yes, I said semen cookies.

Recently I was sent the book Natural Harvest – A Collection of Semen Based Recipes. The author proclaims that “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cook book!”

The ‘Gourmand World Cookbook Award’ nominated book does present a plethora of recipes and tips for cooking with semen. However, my question isn’t so much why someone would want to cook with semen (as I personally feel that drinking milk that was squeezed from the teat of another animal isn’t that much better), but rather how consistent is semen as an ingredient? As sexual scientists we’ve studied the precarious nature of semen and its changing consistency between people and within each person throughout their lifespan. Some semen is quite acidic (such as the ones that leave yellow stains on a man’s ‘hanky’ socks/towels from his ejaculate) some semen sweet. Sweet is of course a relative term, as semen usually doesn’t taste like lollypops. But my point is, if a man is living on fast food and beer as opposed to fresh fruit and veggies, his semen is going to present with vastly different flavour properties. So, can we really trust the ingredient to taste as the chef intended it to? Or will each of these recipes be dependent on the donors’ lifestyle?

A quick sidebar before you try the Natural Harvest recipes, I should point out that the sous-chef (for lack of a better term) must not have a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI), a contagious blood borne disease, acute long term exposure to poisons, heavy metals, radiation or intravenous injections. The receiver must also be careful that they are not allergic to the semen, have cancer tumours that could contact concentrated ejaculate, or are sensitive to testosterone. However, if you and your partner are both free of the above constraints and want to try some tasty new recipes, please feel free! I would love to hear your reaction to the dish you made, and whether or not you’d recommend it to others…. as I think I might sit this one out.

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