On one particular evening when Mrs. Johnson was hitting a solid G6 in her vocal range, I pondered the effect the Johnsons were having on our other neighbor’s assumptions about the normality of sex within a long term relationship. Were these couples inflicted two-fold with the inevitable question of how often they ‘should be’ having sex? And what other factors lead us to want to classify what is normative in the bedroom?
Whats Normal?!
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Many women have stepped into my office with their husbands in tow, wanting nothing more than my support in justifying their anger with the fact that their significant other plays sexual solitaire. I listen attentively, commiserate with them for finding out the shocking truth, and then turn to their husband and say, “Congratulations for taking a step towards good health, I commend you in your actions. Keep up the solo work”.

Once the look of shock has firmly planted itself upon their faces, I take the lead in explaining all the health benefits to self-loving and why it is extremely important for the husband to continue in his quest for good sexual health by ‘getting in touch with himself’ on a regular basis.

Self-loving may do more for your partner than hitting the gym.
The Top 5 Reasons Why its Important for Men to Keep Up the Solo Work
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As a sex therapist, I get many books on love, sex and relationships crossing my desk. Some linger and are reread multiple times, while others are read, scoffed at and then tossed quickly from my sight. This is a list of the former: Five books that either caught my eye, educated my mind, opened my networks to invaluable dialogue, or simply stimulated my sex craving curiosity button for more than a fleeting moment. Here they are:
Top 5 Books on Sex, Love and Relationships
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On more than one occasion this summer I sat around a roaring bonfire and praised the maker of the Graham Cracker. For me, biting into a delicious smore is like an orgasm of the mouth; the melted chocolate, marshmallow and cracker combine to produce nothing less than a cascade of happiness for my taste buds. However, it wasn’t long ago when the makers of the Graham Cracker would have been appalled to learn of its current use, and my salacious “relationship” with its fine product. Why you ask? Keep reading to find out, the answer may shock you!
Test your sex savvy with the following ten shocking sexual facts

Masturbation - Playing with Yourself

In today’s scientifically based society one would hope that these negative views on masturbation would fade, given the fact that we have proven that masturbation leading to orgasm has numerous health benefits (sleep aid, eases depression, stress reliever, makes you look younger, helps alleviate sinus pressure, elevates mood, pain reliever etc and the list goes on and on).

But where does masturbation fit in the minds of this generation?

Well it turns out that the frequency with which people masturbate is strongly influenced by their sex, age, ethnicity, religion, educational level, marital status and sexual orientation. So if science holds true, I could theoretically predict how often YOU masturbated – and your views on it – by simply asking you a few simple questions.

Turns out, if you are a 25-35 year old white (or Hispanic) male, whose never been married, has a master’s degree or higher and categorizes themselves as “other” in the religious realm; then you’ve spent a lot of time playing sexual solitaire. I’m sure it’s no surprise that men on average report masturbating more often than women, but it may be a surprise to learn that among women, homosexual behaviour or identity is associated with a higher frequency of masturbation, surpassing some males of heterosexual standing – depending on the factors listed above.

Despite “normative” factors, what does evolutionary psychologists says about “couch hockey for one” – a behaviour that seems disadvantageous for the point of view of reproductive success?

Well it’s possible that male masturbation is an adaptive behaviour because it gets rid of “aged” sperm that have been stored for some time and are no longer of optimal quality for fertilization. And masturbation in both sexes may simply be a by-product of selection for other behavioural traits that increase our reproductive success, like a high sex drive.

So with May being National Masturbation month, I suggest we celebrate! Lets drop our negative labels and do what biology has equipped us to do! After all, if God didn’t want you to masturbate he would have made your arms shorter.

The website ‘Beautiful Agony’ has pushed the boundaries of the “O” Face by presenting viewers with just that; the raw face of an orgasm, nothing more nothing less. Not cluttered by words or descriptions, the site takes us on a journey of pleasure from one face to another. There are no actors, no editing and no faking. Just real faces of those brave enough to share their “O” Face with the world.

My view of the site? Brilliant.

It’s about time we sexualized more than fake breasts, large penises and Debbie’s travels through Dallas. In my opinion the site is also doing a great service to the pro-masturbation campaign of our time. Now although “masturbation” is not one of the seven forbidden words that have been banned from our airwaves by the Federal Communications Commission (those words in case you were wondering are piss, fuck, shit, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits) it might as well be considering the rarity with which it is spoken or seen of within our society.

By spreading the good word about sites like ‘Beautiful Agony’ and ‘IFeelMyself’, we are helping to dispel the negative connotations surrounding masturbation and creating a sex-positive space with which our youth can live. So please, help spread the “O” Face love, and show our generation that erotica can be simplistic, artistic and realistic.

Help Me Premature Ejaculation Man! - I'm Coming!

How long do you spend in the bedroom with your partner ‘warming up’, and how much time do you spend on the finishing act? Do you think you clock above average when it comes to time doing the… as Quagmire would say “Gigidy gigidy gigidy oohh yeah”

The average amount of time spent on sex varies greatly depending on many factors. These factors range from what country you live in to whether or not foreplay is included in the definition of sex. It is therefore difficult to find credible sources that agree on this average statistic (some quote the time to be 3-10 minutes, while others testify that it’s 15 minutes to an hour). However finding consensus on foreplay time is much easier. The statistics agree that the average time spent on foreplay in North America is 19.7 minutes, with the UK topping the list with an average of 22.5 minutes.

So why spend so much time on foreplay? Well, for women especially, longer foreplay generally leads to better sex. Our brains are our largest sex organ, so taking the time to warm up our brains and our bodies can create a far more pleasurable experience. Foreplay not only increases lubrication and boosts the chances of a woman reaching orgasm, but it also gives biology (our hormones) time to catch up with our activity.

So how can you extend foreplay and still last longer in bed? Men, follow along closely, as these tips are for you.

Its important for all men to keep up with their Kegel exercises. To do your Kegels, simply squeeze the muscles you would use to stop the flow of urine, and then release. Twenty-five sets of these per day is ideal. Also regular masturbation is important because if a man hasn’t ejaculated recently, his chances of staying erect without ejaculation, drastically decreases.

You can also practice the ‘squeeze technique’ – while masturbating or during intercourse – this involves becoming stimulated up until the point of ejaculatory inevitability (point of no return) and then pressing firmly on the frenulum with two fingers until that feeling dissipates (the frenulum is a Y shaped connecting membrane on the underside of the penis connecting the head and the shaft). You can then continue to have sex or masturbate until the feeling of ejaculatory inevitability resurfaces, at which time you can continue practising the ‘squeeze technique’ and continue the cycle. This can be done alone or with a partner.

So gentleman….. when you hear the saying “Practise Makes Perfect”, remind yourself that it applies to many things. Good luck!

A couple came in to see me because they were both troubled by the fact that the husband was having erectile issues. I began questioning the man about his masturbation techniques however I could see he was uncomfortable describing his solo work in detail, so…. I decided to grab a dildo and use it to demonstrate what I meant.

The dildo – which had a suction pad on the bottom of it so it would stick out like an erection when placed against a wall – makes demonstrations much easier; except on this particular day of course. I began slamming the dildo against the wall as hard as I could, trying to get it to stick, but alas, it still wasn’t working.

I felt like an idiot.

I decided to give up on my attempts to ‘stick-the-dick’ to the wall, and instead try my hand at sticking it to the table. This paid off….. for a moment. As I was demonstrating I suddenly felt the dildo come loose and before I knew it, it had flown off the table and across the room nearly hitting the poor wife in the face! She literally had to pull a Matrix move and duck to miss it.

I was mortified.

I tried to explain that I don’t normally throw dildos at clients heads…. during the first session at least…. but I could see in their eyes they weren’t impressed.
That was my first paid client. Impressive, eh?

Giving out sex advice on Robson Street, Vancouver.

Sometimes we dive into a new relationship and the sexual chemisty just isn’t there. We are bumping teeth, squishing tender body parts and creating a horizontal tango that looks more like the chicken dance then a sensual flow. Sometimes this leads one – or both partners – to question their new relationship pick and start looking elsewhere, especially if one of them has become confinced that the problem lies within the other inexperienced lover, instead of between the two of them.

My advice? We often waste a lot of time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect lover. Yes, teaching a new and relatively inexperienced partner can be difficult, however there are a couple subtle but very effective techniques to help your partner become better in bed.

The first tip is often referred to as ‘the sandwich technique’ (I know your mind is drifting off to threesome land but snap back for a second…. its not that kind of sandwich). Lets say your new partner is a gentleman that doesn’t vary his speed very often during sex, so he is constantly doing the ‘jack-rabbit’. To help teach him what you’d really like, you simply employ this sandwich method. This means you begin with something positive (e.g, I want to tell you that you feel amazing inside of me) then say something that needs ‘fixing’ while trying not to use the word ‘but’ (So, you know what I would really love? For you to go nice and slow sometimes so I can really feel every inch of you) and then end with something positive (Because you are so incredible I just want to soak up every bit of you). This is called a sandwich because you put something negative (or needs fixing) inside two positive things.

Tip number two is all about body language. We learn by watching…. monkey see monkey do. If you want a gentle touch, be gentle with your partner. If you want your woman to pull your hair and then sink her teeth into you, do so to her. Even the slowest learner will catch on eventually and start taking notes from your technique.

One of the most common issues faced in the bedroom when dealing with inexperienced male partners, is premature ejaculation (and I use that term loosly). There are a number of ways that you can counter this. One of the most useful things that he can do to deal with this issue is to masturbate as often as possible because if he hasn’t ejaculated recently, then the chances of him holding out and not ejaculating quickly when he gets into bed with you, will decrease dramatically.

Now I know what you’re thinking, what about those of us who would rather not talk about it openly (as many women are too embarrassed to say, “Can you masturbate before you come over and hang out?”) In this case, a simple ‘warm-up round’ is crucial…. this gets the first ejaculation over quickly. If you are becoming intimate with a man, sometimes helping him ejaculate rapidly the first time around, can lead to a prolonged second round. And while he is waiting for his second erection, it’s your turn to enjoy some foreplay. Also, using a lubricant or condom that has a numbing quality (which is available in drugstores everywhere) can do wonders for prolonged play time. For more info on helping a man last longer in bed refer to my blog post on Feb 23rd/2010 entitled “How Can A Man Last Longer In Bed?).

I wish you luck and leave you with this…. “It is not sex that gives you pleasure, but the lover” ~Marge Piercy