Teaching an Inexperienced Lover

29th January, 2010 by Dr. Teesha Morgan
Giving out sex advice on Robson Street, Vancouver.

Sometimes we dive into a new relationship and the sexual chemisty just isn’t there. We are bumping teeth, squishing tender body parts and creating a horizontal tango that looks more like the chicken dance then a sensual flow. Sometimes this leads one – or both partners – to question their new relationship pick and start looking elsewhere, especially if one of them has become confinced that the problem lies within the other inexperienced lover, instead of between the two of them.

My advice? We often waste a lot of time looking for the perfect lover instead of creating the perfect lover. Yes, teaching a new and relatively inexperienced partner can be difficult, however there are a couple subtle but very effective techniques to help your partner become better in bed.

The first tip is often referred to as ‘the sandwich technique’ (I know your mind is drifting off to threesome land but snap back for a second…. its not that kind of sandwich). Lets say your new partner is a gentleman that doesn’t vary his speed very often during sex, so he is constantly doing the ‘jack-rabbit’. To help teach him what you’d really like, you simply employ this sandwich method. This means you begin with something positive (e.g, I want to tell you that you feel amazing inside of me) then say something that needs ‘fixing’ while trying not to use the word ‘but’ (So, you know what I would really love? For you to go nice and slow sometimes so I can really feel every inch of you) and then end with something positive (Because you are so incredible I just want to soak up every bit of you). This is called a sandwich because you put something negative (or needs fixing) inside two positive things.

Tip number two is all about body language. We learn by watching…. monkey see monkey do. If you want a gentle touch, be gentle with your partner. If you want your woman to pull your hair and then sink her teeth into you, do so to her. Even the slowest learner will catch on eventually and start taking notes from your technique.

One of the most common issues faced in the bedroom when dealing with inexperienced male partners, is premature ejaculation (and I use that term loosly). There are a number of ways that you can counter this. One of the most useful things that he can do to deal with this issue is to masturbate as often as possible because if he hasn’t ejaculated recently, then the chances of him holding out and not ejaculating quickly when he gets into bed with you, will decrease dramatically.

Now I know what you’re thinking, what about those of us who would rather not talk about it openly (as many women are too embarrassed to say, “Can you masturbate before you come over and hang out?”) In this case, a simple ‘warm-up round’ is crucial…. this gets the first ejaculation over quickly. If you are becoming intimate with a man, sometimes helping him ejaculate rapidly the first time around, can lead to a prolonged second round. And while he is waiting for his second erection, it’s your turn to enjoy some foreplay. Also, using a lubricant or condom that has a numbing quality (which is available in drugstores everywhere) can do wonders for prolonged play time. For more info on helping a man last longer in bed refer to my blog post on Feb 23rd/2010 entitled “How Can A Man Last Longer In Bed?).

I wish you luck and leave you with this…. “It is not sex that gives you pleasure, but the lover” ~Marge Piercy

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Filed under Masturbation, Tips & Tricks, Uncategorized

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81 Responses to “Teaching an Inexperienced Lover”


  1. VictorRiley
    January 29th, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    I’ve always subscribed to the “monkey see monkey do” approach (I just made it an extension of the golden rule… I touched how I wanted to be touched)… sadly, it’s never really worked for me. No matter how gently I touch, some of the women I’ve been with still thought the best way to get sap from the Happy Tree is to clamp on with a vice-grip and yank and pull like an 19th century water-pump. (Even after a 6 month relationship… the few that didn’t think that, didn’t need any instruction.) In my experience, men and women are always saying how “different” they are from one another and therefore think that “they’ll like something totally different then I like”… Yes, there are differences, but there are a lot of similarities too. Sure, there are guys in the world that pay good money for the “Tug-of-War-on-Your-World”, but it’s more of a niche market, not representative of the mass sexual consumer population. I’ve had better luck with verbally saying it as early as possible, usually in the form of “ouch!” Yeah, maybe there’s a gentler way, but once they’ve done it once without hearing complaints, they assume it’s great forever thereafter.


  2. Gwen
    February 14th, 2010 at 5:37 am

    Finally some good advice on this subject. I’ve looked all over the internet and only gotten advice like “just teach him”. It’s such a sensitive subject, ya can’t just bark orders at the poor guy. I’m gonna try the Sandwich Technique; it should help me learn how to dirty talk too!


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